


Definitely Not Episode IX

by MariaArnt



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Crack, Dark Side Rey, F/M, Hate Sex, Hilarity Ensues, dream - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-20
Updated: 2019-11-20
Packaged: 2021-02-16 04:11:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21501667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MariaArnt/pseuds/MariaArnt
Summary: Apparently my brain got tired of waiting for episode IX and decided to make it up. It was so funny I immediately had to write it down and send it to @t0bemadeofglass. Please imagine this filmed with gorgeous cinematography and moving John Williams music, because that's how my brain played it.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey
Comments: 7
Kudos: 14





	Definitely Not Episode IX

**Author's Note:**

  * For [t0bemadeofglass](https://archiveofourown.org/users/t0bemadeofglass/gifts).



Rey is gaining notoriety as the last Jedi, but it’s hard work. It seems like every time the Resistance has a problem that can’t be solved by just blowing it up (thanks, Poe) they call on her to fix it. She doesn’t mind too much, she likes to help, but she’s starting to feel underappreciated and overused. She keeps finding out people have been doing fun stuff without her, like coming back late from a mission and finding the remains of a party that Poe & Finn held. When she asks why she wasn’t invited, they say “Oh, we thought you would be too busy. With Jedi stuff, you know?”

Her frustration continues to increase, but at least she feels like she’s doing some good in the galaxy and carrying on the legacy of the Jedi, right? It’s getting harder to hang on to that. She goes to a planet where everyone is under the sway of a mysterious “Preacher,” who preaches violence and chaos. No one has ever seen the Preacher, all of the churches are set up with radios that are specially tuned to receive the broadcasts of his sermons. The churches have 3 layers with 1 flight of stairs between each in the middle of the open space. The idea is to fight your way to the third layer to prove you’re the strongest and best, and then the Preacher might come and take you away to heaven. People who reach the third layer do tend to disappear, and people seem really jazzed about it. Weird cult stuff. Also, the Preacher’s voice sounds very much like the Joker. Yes, that Joker.

Rey decides to investigate the origin of the broadcasts, and they lead her to an imposing mountain range. Atop the very tallest mountain she finds the Preacher’s stronghold - and a terrible secret. Turns out, it’s Luke, who is definitely not dead, but has absolutely gone bonkers. He believes what he is doing here is good - because he’s personally rooting out the worst members of the planet’s society and killing them, then after a while the planet will give up the cult and be a much better place. 

Rey fucking snaps. She is done with this Jedi bullshit, if that’s where it leads. She goes back home and discovers yet another party has been thrown in her absence. She shoots up Poe & Finn’s house (they are terrified but unharmed) and Poe’s brand new fancy white Jeep. (IDK my brain thinks he would drive a Jeep.) The rage is only building in her, and she receives a message from Lando asking for her help. She replies that she’ll be right there, but doesn’t say that she absolutely does not intend to help.

When she gets to Lando, He’s surrounded by stormtroopers. She ignites her lightsaber, planning to indiscriminately kill them all. Before she can get to Lando himself, though, Kylo Ren shows up and stops her.

“They’re working for Lando!” He insists (meaning the stormtroopers).

Lando, being an idiot, demands to know how he knows that, revealing that it is in fact true.

All fighting immediately stops, and Kylo casually says “Roger mentioned it while we were jogging one day.”

“Roger?” Lando asks.

“You know. Roger Palpatine?” (I am not kidding. I remember this very clearly)

Lando is so confused. “The emperor is alive? And you’re on a first-name basis with him? And his name is definitely not Roger.”

Kylo glares at him meaningfully. “Some people don’t like their name, so they decide to change it, Lando.”

Leaving a very confused Lando behind, Kylo convinces Rey to come with him. They somehow end up back in one of the Preacher churches, on the second level. It is empty except for them. Kylo tells her that he’s felt the disturbance in the Force from her switching to the Dark Side and knew he had to find her. Rey says she is going to kill him. 

“That  _ might  _ make you feel better,” he admits, “Or it might just make you angrier. I’d like to suggest something else, and if you don’t like it,  _ then  _ you can kill me.” He puts the moves on her. He’s remarkably hesitant and a little awkward about it. It’s cute, really.

Rey is having none of this gross adorable shit. Message received, she proceeds to entirely change the tone of the encounter, and what follows is Mr & Mrs Smith- level hate sex, right there on the balcony between levels 2 and 3. It goes on until they’re both exhausted.

Afterward, Kylo asks if she’s still angry.

“Mostly tired,” she admits. 

“What will you do when you’re no longer tired?” he asks.

“I haven’t decided. Might kill a bunch of people. Wouldn’t mind doing that again after, though.”

He smiles. “Sounds like a plan.”

When they wake up, Kylo explains that he brought her to the cult planet because she was actually born here. He thought she might like to see the orphanage she was in before they sold her to Unkar on Jakku. She agrees. They go to the place, and Roger Palpatine shows up too, because he has the authority to access their records and make them answer questions. Not sure why Kylo can’t do this, but it’s totally worth it because underneath his familiar cape, Palps is wearing a purple, velvet, adidas tracksuit. Apparently he’s really into jogging these days.

They interrogate the head of the orphanage, who reveals that they have very strict performance standards for which children they keep. They have limited resources, so if a child isn’t living up to their expectations, they sell them offworld. Rey was already skating on thin ice at age 2, but by 4 it was clear she was “no good.”

Rey and Kylo exchange a look. Then they gleefully kill all the orphanage staff together.

Luke appears, and challenges Rey. He claims these were some of the better people on the planet, and she’s messing with his plans to cleanse it. 

Unfortunately, this is the point at which I woke up. Not really sure how that could possibly be resolved from there, though.


End file.
